People often come into my office in Creve Coeur saying some version of the same thing: “I know what I should do, but my feelings get there first.” They snap at someone they love, shut down when they want to speak up, or spend days stuck on a comment that a friend has long forgotten.
That isn’t a character flaw. In most cases it’s a problem of emotional regulation, and it’s one of the main things therapy can help with. The approach I use to understand it is called Self Psychology.
Where Self Psychology comes from
Self Psychology was developed by the psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut. His central idea was simple but powerful: our ability to calm ourselves, feel steady and keep a stable sense of who we are isn’t something we’re born with. It’s built, over time, through our relationships with other people, starting in childhood.
When those early relationships give us what we need, we gradually learn to do for ourselves what others once did for us. When they don’t, we can grow into adults who are capable and accomplished but who still get knocked off balance easily.
The three experiences that build a steady self
Kohut described three kinds of experience that help a person develop that inner steadiness:
- Mirroring. Being seen, understood and taken seriously. A child whose excitement or distress is noticed and reflected back learns that their feelings make sense and can be managed.
- Idealization. Having someone calm and strong to look up to and lean on. Over time we take in that calm and learn to soothe ourselves.
- Twinship. Feeling that we’re like others and that we belong. Knowing we aren’t alone in what we feel makes those feelings easier to carry.
When one or more of these was missing or inconsistent, it often shows up later as intense reactions, a fragile sense of self-worth, a need for constant reassurance, or a habit of avoiding feelings altogether.
What this looks like in everyday life
You might recognize some of these patterns:
- Small criticisms feel crushing, or you replay them for days.
- You swing between feeling on top of the world and feeling worthless.
- You have trouble calming down once you’re upset.
- You rely heavily on others to feel okay, or you avoid needing anyone at all.
- Relationships keep running into the same conflicts.
None of these mean something is wrong with you. They’re signs that some of the building blocks of emotional regulation didn’t get fully put in place, and that’s something that can be worked on.
How therapy helps
In Self Psychology, the relationship between therapist and client is where much of the change happens. Therapy offers a place to be understood without judgment, to borrow some steadiness when you need it, and to feel less alone with what you’re carrying. Those are the same three experiences Kohut described.
Over time, people find they can calm themselves more quickly, react less intensely, and hold on to a more stable sense of who they are. Relationships often get easier as a result, because you’re no longer depending on them to do all the regulating for you.
I believe people can make real, healthy change. It’s hard being human, and none of us got everything we needed growing up. The good news is that it’s never too late to build what was missing.
Getting started
If this sounds familiar, you can learn more about individual therapy in St. Louis or get in touch to set up a first session. I see clients at my office at 644 Office Parkway in Creve Coeur, and you can reach me at (314) 282-3621.